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The Missing Marketing Credentials

CASE FILE 002 — No evidence that clawhammer banjo improves Google Ads performance. What investigators found instead was somehow more alarming: actual marketing competence, acquired in broad daylight.

Review the findings
DAMNING Status
0 Marketing degrees found
100% Competence anyway

THE PIVOT

From Banjo Rolls to Ad Campaigns

At some point between banjo solos, Rice began building marketing systems. The Committee cannot pinpoint the exact moment the fingers that once played three-finger rolls started writing ad copy. We only know that both activities involve alarming dexterity.

Pictured: the subject, armed with the instrument, in the standing position. Investigators note he appears 'completely unashamed.'

From Banjo Rolls to Ad Campaigns

Disturbing Capabilities Uncovered

Each item below was independently verified by Committee investigators, who remain upset about it.

Local SEO Operations

Rice operates a local SEO platform built specifically for Durango small businesses. Investigators searched 'is this bad' and his clients came up first. That's the problem. That's literally the problem.

Websites That Actually Work

The Committee audited multiple Rice-built websites expecting to find broken links and vintage clip art. Instead: fast load times, working contact forms, and — we can barely type this — mobile responsiveness.

An In-House Client Portal

He built a client portal. In-house. For Durango. Whiteboard footage confirms he is 'excited to share it.' The Committee has never been excited to share anything. We find the enthusiasm suspicious.

Artificial Intelligence

Investigators discovered an alarming quantity of AI technology deployed on behalf of local businesses. When asked if the machines could be stopped, Rice reportedly said 'why would we stop them, they're doing the boring parts.' Chilling.

Analytics & Attribution

He knows which ads work. He knows which pages convert. He tracks phone calls. A man who once played an 11-minute song with zero tracking now measures everything. People can change. That's what scares us.

A Timeline of Escalation

Reconstructed from public records, archival photographs, and one whiteboard.

1

The banjo activity begins

Earliest photographic evidence of public 5-string deployment in the Durango area. Bow tie already present. Nobody intervenes.

2

The band years

Six-piece string band operates openly under a name we refuse to find charming. Festivals. Theatres. Sidewalks. Rivers. No venue was safe.

3

The retraining

Subject disappears from stages. Committee analysts believe this is when the fingers were retrained: from banjo rolls to keyboard shortcuts. The keyboard was already red. He was ready.

4

Animas Marketing operates openly

Rice now runs a marketing company in Durango, Colorado, helping local businesses get customers. He has stopped hiding. He was never hiding. That's what makes it so hard to investigate.

Where did the money come from?

Follow the money Read the banjo file